October 17, 2008

Broken. Part Two.

Here I am on my knees. Living with my broken heart. My mistake was believing that someone would be here with open arms to catch me as I fell. Instead I hit the floor shattering into a thousand pieces of nothingness. Where we’re you when I needed you most? I look back and I see that I changed who I was. I thought I needed to be something different. Something that you would be proud of. Something that you would look upon. I thought I had to change who I was. I thought in doing so that it would bring you closer to me. I thought that maybe then you would take notice of how much I’ve grown up. And maybe then you would put your arms around me, holding me in that warm embrace. The one that makes me feel safe. Didn’t you ever ask yourself why I hugged you so much? Why the affection? Did you believe that I did it just for attention? Or to be playful? Because I will tell you now that those weren’t the reasons behind it.

I did it because I wanted you to hug me back. Because you we’re one of the very few that I ever felt safe with. You looked in all the wrong places for the answers to why I did it. You over thought it, looking for a deeper meaning that wasn’t there. The answer was staring you in the face. You couldn’t know how many times I wanted to run to you. To ask you to hold me. There was so many times I wanted to call you, as I sat there crying. Overwhelmed and alone. Needing someone there. To have someone wrapping there arms around me and telling me that I didn’t have to go at it alone. When those times descended upon me. My thoughts turned to you. I would reach for my cell phone, opening my phone book and looking at your name. My thumb hesitating over the send button. But I never could do it. I couldn’t find the courage to call you. I guess a part of me always knew that you wouldn’t catch me. I could call you when I didn’t need you.

I know I should have had others I could go to. You tried to tell me about how others cared for me and that I should try to talk to them when I had problems. But how could you expect me to go to others when I have trust problems? How many times now have I told you that I have trust problems? I was never like you. I couldn’t simply just talk to anyone about anything. I’m reserved and quiet. That I trusted you so much should have told you something right there. That you became important to me. That I could love you so much without being in love with you, should have told you everything you needed to know. Every time I fell I looked towards you for direction. In my heart I sat there with open arms, waiting for someone to embrace me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I found the pain of being alone becoming unbearable. It was a force that was crushing my heart. Can you see now what you mean to me?

I hug myself. Because there is no one else to do it. I grew up feeling alone, being the odd man out. I started craving attention. I wanted others to see that I lived. I wanted people to take notice that I existed. I waited and waited to see if there would be someone who would look upon me. But when the people who did pay attention to me decided I was a tool for their amusement. I felt a sense of despair welling up inside of me. I looked at the world and saw no beauty. Instead I saw people who would hurt others for their own personal gains. The world stared back and I could only find myself saying “Fuck you!” if this is how it was going to be I decided I didn’t need anyone.

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